Tippin' Cat

"Tazzie", eh?

2010-01-15T16:41:00.001-08:00

There is evil lingering in the house. It came one day and never left. The little vermin is worse than the evil that left for the south. This one is small, furry and the humans call it "cute". What evil in my youth have I done to deserve this literal Hell? Putting me in an early grave, are ya? Well, if you're lucky, I will die before the little one does because if IT dies first, it won't be pretty.

NOT very happy!

2009-07-28T15:07:00.001-07:00

So, I am beyond ticked off... and I am not talking about the little bugs that Hailey ate off my body... I am ANGRY!

There is a chart that Kevin keeps updating and sending to people through email. It has something to do with places on the earth (most of which are very boring), and a spineless shlub named MUCUS! After putting my walnut sized brain through a little mental exercise, I poofed out out a dusty reason to all this nonsense. The little vermin is going on a mission and humans are guessing the destination.

Again, I was cornered in the garage and the big mean scary man said, "Give us your guess or you will DIE A LONG AND PAINFUL DEATH!" I quivered and meowed, "meow!". I was scared! I finally submitted my reply, "HECK" for I do not curse. The scary man replied, "Mississippi, it is!".

You should know, Marcus, right as I will be released from my personal Hell (living with YOU), you will be entering yours!
Bah hahaha!!!!! >:}

Yo-Ho!

2009-06-06T01:34:00.000-07:00

I don't blog very often. Mostly because the house has been monopolized by vermon. Okay, I have better things to do than ragging on Marcus. I love you, Marcus. Mostly because you are leaving soon and, more than likely, I may not be around when you get home. That's right.. Retirement in Cuba.

My escape plan: As you all know, Kyle is getting married and he will be going to Florida for his honeymoon. This seems to be the perfect time to make the perfect move. During the day of their wedding, it will be quite hectic in the Kevin Blatter home. Most anticipate my famous "freak out".

I will make camp in the back seat of Kyle's truck and pray for cool weather for I have to last about two days in there. I will hop flight and as soon as I arrive in Florida, BAM! I am gone. I will inflate my raft and head out on the open seas until I finally reach my destination. There, I will continue with a life full of service to others. I will be the giver of hope, faith and a better life. Not to mention, I will dominate the wild forests and put all other beasts to shame. You can call this my two year mission. That's right, I just "one uped" Marcus.

Grr..

2009-02-20T09:02:00.000-08:00

I LIKE TURKEY! I LIKE BEEF!

The viewers are RIGHT!

2009-02-12T16:15:00.000-08:00

I am very intrigued to see all the buzz around my posts on my blog. It still amazes me that ANYONE cares or even reads my blog. Then again, it doesn't take much to understand the deep thoughts of a cat or to even offend someone ( I tend to offend many and often). Most of my viewers, I have discovered, are simple people with not much to do in the first place. Most of which are one of two types of people: Out of season boaters and crusty 91 year old ladies with about 200 cats. Nonetheless, the lifestyles of both are both pretty boring and sad. I am not inferring that I have a good life. In fact, I am usually treated really badly by my adoptive parents, which in fact are my grandparents. I only wish that my biological mommy would come home more than once or twice a week. . .

. . . how I miss the many nights being locked in her room and the many times I was awarded with shower time. There's nothing I like more than being forced into the steamy bathroom, cowering in the corner with my fur turning a nice moisturizing texture. . .

That's besides the point. I found an interesting string of comments on my last blog. All of which I can safely assume are from my abusive "Caregiver". Or should I say "Care taker away of all hope of a happy life". He made an interesting point: I should be treated better. I should have fish for breakfast and roast beef at dinner. I especially like the idea of having my own little retreat out back with heat. Although, I do have one request. I would rather have satellite T.V. with an exclusive range of BET channels.

I DON'T think it's too much to ask for. In fact, I need a place of my own. It's like I can't escape the constant death kisses from Hailey and the iron fist from Kevin. Those are not only my wishes, they ARE my demands. . . Do not take me lightly!

Jealousy!

2009-02-09T18:22:00.000-08:00

I do enjoy going outside once in a while. Yes! It's true. I enjoy the social scene. Once in a while, when I am in need of a little bit of the sweet East Bay air, I will stand by the back sliding door and glisten my perfect little kitty eyes. Somehow, Lyn always falls it. She'll open the door and I am free! That's besides the point. I head straight for the storm drain every Monday after my morning nap and meet up with Chewy and our other kitty friends. I am not much of a friend of the young folk but once in a while, they join us with some interesting gossip.

So, as we gathered around the watering hole today, I heard some interesting and somewhat damaging gossip. Word is, that a few "humans" are jealous that they are not "emotionally bashed" on my blog. One word of advice, Be careful what you wish for! Not only has my blog hurt feelings and disturbed the hearts of many, but it has ravaged through such loving relationships and defaced the lives of children. I know I am only but a cat, but Mussolini has nothing on me!

If only the washer could clean souls

2009-02-06T23:29:00.000-08:00

The other day Hailey was bothering me. *Gasp* Not the normal 'I love kitty so I'm going to squeeze him' bothering though. This goes much deeper; this is personal.

You see, I'm 2 years older than she is, yet somehow she's burned through 2 cell phones without anybody even offering me one. That's not even my beef though, I'm friends with all of her friends on Facebook, so hah! As far as I'm concerned, that makes us even. No, my problem is that Hailey did something morally reprehensible...something that would make Charles Manson cry and Hitler blush. Let me set the scene...

I'm hungry, and a little tired, and nobody wants to scratch me, so I decide to go out into the garage. I see the 13 year old princess come into the laundry room where I'm waiting. I think "Well, there's a good chance she'll just pick me up, talk about how cute I am, and not let me out, but she's my best bet so I'll meow and see what she does." She doesn't even seem to notice me though. I hear her chuckle to herself, saying "Mommy's going to feel so bad, she'll HAVE to buy me a new phone." Of course, I can't understand any of that, I'm just a cat, but suddenly she pulls that little pink device she's always holding up to her face from her silver purse. What do you humans use those for, anyway? Do they, like hold catnip or something? Anyway, she opens the little door on the washing-machine, and she tosses it in. Suddenly she notices me, and I'm freaking out. Am I in trouble for seeing that? Worse, is she going to try to love me? "Oh crap," I thought, as she walked toward me. "Shes not going for the door!" She gets down next to my face, she put her finger to her mouth and made a "shhhhh" sound.

Ghandi must be rolling in his grave.

Anyway, I may not be able to talk, but I can type. Chewy taught me. I'm going to teach Shnookies what happens when she plays with fire--she gets burned. I hope you sleep with one eye open, little girl...kitty's lookin' for some pay-back. I don't want to spoil my surprise, but it'll take a lot more than a stwawbewwy to make your tummy feel better after I'm through with you, Pink Pony.

-The Other Dark Knight

SOS

2009-01-21T20:20:00.001-08:00

This is a desperate cry for help. If there is anyone out there, meow, I need help. I've been drugged, cat-cuffed and meow blindfolded. I meow managed to weasel out of the cuffs and blindfold, but I am in a dark room. The air is cold and stiff in here, and I believe that there might be a carbon monoxide leak in the room. I have a feeling it's intentional. All I can see is a black computer monitor with a black screen flashing a green cursor. I was able to hack the computer and get a connection but the only IP address available was my OWN blog. I think I might be killed. The man that catnapped me is evil, a little gray, and has a strange romance with boats. I have a faint memory of him threatening me to stop hissing or else he will drive me out to the middle of the Delta with a five pound weight tied to my ankles. Please, help me. I think I can smell him coming back!!!

P.S. He's dressed me in a really ugly outfit and I think he dipped me in a vat of Nair. Look!

My Dirty Little Secret

2008-12-28T12:39:00.000-08:00

I have a dirty little secret meow that I cannot contain any longer. So, meow I am going to reveal my secret in this blog post meow. READY? Okay!

When the family is gone at church, every Sunday morning, I like to meow throw a party in the house. Meow. Yes, it's meow true.

Kevin, ever notice that your office might seem a little... smuggy? Well, meow, that is because I enjoy taking my cat nip in the office, shutting all doors and windows and I get a little hyphy. :) Mee-ooww!
After getting all crunked and junk, meow, some of the cool cats lose their cookies (not being able to handle the nip as well as I can). Ever wonder what's really going on in the bathroom when you found my marshmellow and hershey surprise? No, this fudge meow 'aint angry, (which has been the catchphrase in the Blatter home over the last two weeks) but this fudge is made of love and indegestion. Meow. Ohhhh yaaa!
Lyn, meow. Ever find things out of place in the Laundry room? More particularly, in the sink? I enjoy using it as my own personal spa and hot tub. It's a good place to bring the honies. Sorry about the hair and occasional bowel movement as I am old and I cannot control my bodily functions as well as other cats.

Meow okay that's it. I've revealed all my secrets. Now I can be laid to rest with a clean conscience when my time comes. Oh, and this wouldn't be a complete blog without a shout out to Marcus. Hiss to you, Bra! Meee-ooow!

So HAPPY for Christmas!

2008-12-20T22:04:00.001-08:00

MEEEEEOOOOOWWWWW! 'Tis the season to be JOLLY.. I had a meow wonderful Christmas last year, I don't know how this year can get any better. Meow. I mean, look how happy I was!

Now, if you think I look happy in that picture, look at this one!

To Marcus,

2008-12-19T23:51:00.000-08:00

There is one too many people meow at home.. meow and his name is MARCUS. It's getting a little crowded meow. Let's hope meow that I don't mistake his face for a bathmat. Although Marcus meow had to come and ruin my sleepy slumber cat kingdom meow, I DID meow, in fact get him a present. I make it myself and it is absolutely edible. Meow he will find it Christmas morning on his pillow. I call it "Angry Fudge". Meow. Now let my kingdom be at rest and send him back to Idaho.

Homecoming!

2008-12-18T15:39:00.000-08:00

My favorite uncle meow is coming home soon! Meow! No 13 year old Aunt, or farty Uncle can replace the love I feel for my most meow wonderful Unlce KYLE! Now, meow Christmas is going to be complete. Meow, God bless everyone!

Blog Crash

2008-12-17T08:52:00.000-08:00

Blog under meow construction meow. Accidental crash (deletion) of meow meow account. Meow will post new blog soon, and meow, Kevin will be satisfied once again. Meow. Even though meow, I live at home and I don't do anything else for him ever. Meow, I will do this one meow thing. Meow, he better stop cornering me in the garage. Meow. It's getting creepy.

Happy Meow Christmas